i need to know

u know that I love u… no matter the hurtful things u do or say.. There are times when u make promises that are too easily not kept.. I didn’t think it was so demanding.. I keep my promises unless there is a inescapable reason.. so thats it is why it is hard for me to be understanding.. I know not everyone has values like me..
But am I really asking that much?. It is hard to believe what people say when they do not ever keep the promises they make..

I understand that life throws us curves and not all promises can always be kept.. but dont I at least deserve to be told a reason.. not just shoved aside.. I love u unconditionally no matter the promises u break.. I never required that u love me in return.. However u have told me u feel the same.. My actions, my words.. the way that I let u affect me.. show it.. Even people who never met me.. have no choice but to know it.. I know ur life is hard and I can never possibly know everything that u go through.. Fears that I have arfe related to actions and reactions we tend to have towards each other.. Yes, I worry about u and stay up late at night wondering if ur out somewhere dying..

Do u realize the pain..? I have gone through and still go through every day to where at times I cannot keep myself from crying.. u are not around so maybe it is hard to comprehend because u do not see the tears that I shed or that I have a hard time trying to eat or sleep.. Hell even to take care of myself.. Not many things hold enjoyment and I spend most of my time on deployment to find something to just help me deal..

If I were to go by the way I've been treated.. Pushed away and discarded when times got harder.. I think of u constantly and in ur heart u know it.. So why at the end of the day do I wonder if ur love is true.. why do u have such a hard time to just show it.. u rarely call not even to just say hello.. When u need me I have always tried to be there even though I dont always have material things to share.. u will never know how much I have truly given just to show you that I cared.. There have been times u ..

I have needed, felt alone, uncared for, and mistreated.. I rare shared things that were stressing me out in my own life all the troubles I was going through.. I never wanted u to feel guilty or burden u with more when u had too much on ur plate already.. At times the struggles I was going through may have made my feelings less true even though they were not.. I know u have ur doubts about us and I would be lying if I said I did not. I have my reasons and I know they are valid… The only thing I am left wondering is just what urs are.. I share my doubts and feelings so that together we can try and sort it out.. Many times after sharing I have been left feeling that I sud have just shut u out..

Whenever I dare to talk about emotions and how I feel inside.. Nine out of ten u become upset again..and silently push me away… To say I understand wouldnt be true when I have no idea what to say or do.. I try many tactics to figure and sort our problems out… Whenever I try … and end up left failing.. I always wonder.. why.. Now I know that we have to work together as a whole if we ever want this to be forever...

I start thinking.. always thinking… Sometimes too much thinking is never good.. because the truth gets mixed up in scenarios that play in ones head.. there is no real truth without the other person being involved in ur internal discussion..
Logically if I were to step outside of my emotions and take a good look at everything that has transpired and what is going on now.. It wud force my love blinded eyes to see that only words ever give hint of ur intention but I wud be remiss if I somewhow failed to mention that ur actions and reactions ever support ur claims…

Now can u see why it is extremely hard to believe that u feel it… If I were to go by appearances and the way things seem the way ur so loved logic would.. Seemingly the only time you need me (its rare if at all u seem to want me) is when u are down and out, in trouble, or just feeling lonely… u do not treat me as if an equal someone u want by your side… in fact if u have not noticed u treat me quite bad instead of the people in ur life who actually deserve it...

Can u yet see why I am scared to believe that u really mean all that u say..? Do u how hard it is to keep up faith when there is so little to go on.. You have me feeling that I am forever dealing with a dream u will never allow to come true..
I wonder at times if happiness scares u.. since every time we are close.. u run away.. Cant u see my heart is steady…

Is it too much to ask that u try and not live in the past and give me something more to go on? I want a future with u in my life.. to be together to learn, grow and heal each other. My heart keeps of the fight its so much stronger than I ever dreamed.. (maybe its only because it is you) and refuses to ever give up. no matter the logic, what people say, or how things seem. I am fighting a war but I need you to let me know I am not fighting a losing battle.. one that I can never win.. Is it too much to mention I need to know ur intentions.. to feel that u are not just spitting game.. I know about ur past with women just a bit..

I try to think beyond my own insecurities and confidences but its hard.. Sometimes I wonder if I am just naive.. or believe too much in u… I want you to continue being the biggest part of me.. Is it so much to ask for a little sign.. every now and then of affection? Yes, I want u and ur love it never mattered what u have done, how u look, the way u dress, or bout sex. Is it so selfish of me to need to see that I am not all alone in this love..?

I know right now ur circumstances are quite hard and every day is a battle u go through to simply survive.. If u were not so stubborn and set in ur ways.. We cud make this dream come true if it is indeed shared.. I wud fight beside u.. share ur battle.. be there to pick u up when u are down..I cud teach alot to u and I know u have alot to teach me… We cud be like to halves made whole.. I know this may not be the town u have always dreamed of it does not have to be our permanent place..

Its a simple beginning until we are capable of living somewhere u find more desirable.. for me it does not matter where I am for my home will always be u..
Unfortunately as always it will come down to what u want more.. You know I will wait but can you blame and forgive me if I ask can you tell me.. that I have a reason to stat and wait?.. You know that I love you.. and by now you know I always hav and I hope you know I always will. But pardon me if I ask .. If u want this to be real what keeps holding u back?.. Make me understand ur reasons because right now I only have conclusions..

One is that u are scared it is real and u will somehow lose this so instead of trying before even starting u give up.. Two.. u are afraid of change and just not sure how to make it happen.. needing to realize the world u once lived in is no longer for u… Three. this is the one I refuse to believe with every breath I take .. no matter how things may seem to be..

logically if actions and appearances were factored.. u no longer want to change the u and me to us.. u no longer want me beside u to love you and help u be strong.. If what u have said were to be believed then maybe my looks dont appeal to you.. Looks can change and they will as time moves on.. but the person I am inside that I know u do at least care for will not ever change who I am.. the only traits that i want to change are the negative ones that hold me back and make me unhappy..

I had hoped by now the fact that I am here will have gotten rid of any doubts or fears u may have had about me permantly leaving and causing u too much pain.. I want and need to know the same because u have left me quite uncertain.. u wonder why I always think that u are going to break my heart? Do u think I am still in love with another and hold him instead of u in my heart?..

Well let me reassure u… I may have loved before but the way I feel for u I have only ever read about and seen in movies.. it makes the way I felt about my ex seem like a schoolboy crush and only about lust.. With u I just want to be around… I would never have gone through the hell and hardships and when we broke off when I healed I never looked back.. with u every time we are apart the place where my heart used to be constantly hurts.. my breathing gets caught as I cry of thoughts and memories of u I hold in my head..

I want to learn and know all about u but u have to open up.. I know when it is all said and done.. u will have a few walls to conquer.. I do not want to put them up intentionally but im just letting you know they might be there and I pray u care enough to tear them down.. if they are there i want u to know it was to protect.. not only me but us.. If I continue on the path im on feeling every emotion.. every bit of pain.. then eventually no matter how much I love u and want to be there.. i might come to dislike u.. and that is something I never want to do..

I want us to make a life together.. to share all the difficulties life throws our way… to share what we have learned, learn together and grow… To share everything.. the laughter.. the joy.. the hardships.. the pain.. fears and yes.. even the pain..
u do not ever have to be alone.. it has always been your choice to make.. I told u the only way I wud ever truly leave u was if u asked me to do it.. well now after this last time I have to say u will have to look in my eyes so i know u mean it….

I want us to be happy and if it is ur wish .. i believe with all my heart we wud be happy together.. though we have only had a few days to spend physically in each others physical presence … I believe that u enjoyed almost every minute I was there.. I think too you struggled with urself and I did too to not show me how much u really care.. We have had the best of times.. laughter, smiles, joy.. happiness and love… we have shared some of the hard times too.. we have both gone through hell, lived with pain, seperation has always been hard, tears, fears, frustration and quite a bit of anger too..

All that I hope is past and we can live on in the future to have more good times but even when it is bad I want to share those too.. I love u and u know it is true.. I know u may not be ready to receive it.. All I ask is that u do not let fear hold u back… and not take the chance u have been given..

I know we cud be happy together since the day I first met u I felt that connection… even if the distance made it seem improbable it wud ever come true… Since it has.. and then it was taken back.. I want u back.. I dont think u have a clue of all I feel and all I have felt.. how much if u wud let me.. I want to spend every day .. every moment telling you and expressing to you how much I love you… how much you mean to me.. and how much u complete me.. by just being u…

So that is why I ask… and u do not have to answer right away.. just when u do be sure of your answer.. so I will ask “u know how I feel and u know it is real.. I doubt u are happy where u are… so what are u (or if u so desire…. us) going to do.” Are u going to just sit there and take it.. thinking u deserve the life that u got? Or are u going to realize its not always about what u deserve when it comes to the negative things.. dont punish urself..

when so many others in ur life will do it for u… not trying to affect ur decision but I want to mention make the choice with ur heart and what u know will make u happy and be the best for you in the long run… so now I ask what are you going to do? When u find the answer no matter what it might be whether I want to hear it or not.. give me a call and let me know.. I will be glad to hear ur voice no matter what...

DA